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April 24, 2008

07:47 Southbound

Lyric idea from way too early this morning.

Picture this: the stage dims, a single spot picks out the singer, cradling his beaten acoustic, head bowed over the mic. A hush falls on the crowd. Pin-points of light flicker across the stadium.

[For realism, some w**ker right in front of you is shouting at his mobile (cell) phone "Yeah, babe, listen to this, yeah, I know, but, yeah, listen, yeah? Wot? Noooo... really? She did?"]

The singer murmers, "This one's for you, T."

Someone in the crowd whistles.

Someone else calls out "No Tomoooorroooow"

[Fingerpicky folksy intro, slurring harmonica in the back]

Why do we agree to be
Such slaves to this eternity
Tied by fate, tied by time
Hung up on the starting line
Y'know I never really saw the harm
In no tomorrow

As I sit here in the sun
Just waitin' on my train to come
I smile up at the skies above
Thinkin' 'pon my life, my love
Knowin' deep down, where you lead
I will surely follow

Days like this it burns in me
Our time won't last indefinitely
All things pass, all things end
A red light's always round the bend
And now I only see the harm
In no tomorrow

6 comments:

Axe Victim said...

Nice. Very soulful. I take it that you have a melody? In fact it's so nice that I think I'd like to sing it! But I cannot because it's very much your song. Keep 'em coming.

Kenski said...

I was actually sat waiting for one of the many, many trains I take in the morning (alright, 2) and I got this kinda descending major tonality tune in my head, which I jotted down the first two 'verses' to. The last one was a quick bolt-on 'how to finish it' verse for the blog. Needs refinement.

I recorded myself singing it using my little iPod recorder that I carry around with me these days.

When I got to the office I stuck in the DTB primer CD and reworked some of the rhythm, using one track as a ghost. As such I'm not sure I have a tune anymore! Have to get back home to the guitar to 'find out' what works! Thought I might bring in some minor tonality, chord inversions, maybe some suspended things (which I seem to be using a fair amount right now).

Axe Victim said...

Keep it simple. It's easier to explain to others what it is you ant from the song when you form your own band. Whenever I've come up with 'fancy' chords the guys I play with all look at me like I'm mad. So I tend to keep everything nice and easy.

MooPig_Wisdom said...

Truly excellent poetry.

I refrain from commenting on others efforts almost always. If you would like a more detailed comment, I would be very happy to chime in... only you must know upfront my intentions are completely altruism.

I have been writing poetry since my own age of reason, eight. For half my life I never told anyone for fear of criticism. Some key people got me over myself, and I am no longer as stingy.

Therefore, as a "pay forward" I say No Tomorrow is very good, melodic and prophetic. And visualizing it all is 90% of the whole process. Congrat's and I hope to "see" more.

BTW I read the iPod article, and think that is a good solution.

Kenski said...

Thank for the compliment, Moo. I appreciate it! Feel free to pick at it all you want. Criticism is encouragement in my books. I have no ego issues about stuff like this.

By nature I'm not a lyrically minded person, but I hope to work on that. I used to cut a mean line of prose, but it's been a while since I worked at it.

No Tomorrow needs some refinement and, if it's to be a song (which remains to be seen), then a few more verses wouldn't hurt.

I like most of it. The line that jars the most for me is the 'red light' one. Cliche and rhymes too much... overt rhyming is something I'd like to break away from. It's too safe, easy and trite.

Again, many thanks for the compliment. I tend to read your stuff when it pops up around the 'net... so I know you're not just blowin' smoke :-)

MooPig_Wisdom said...

Kenski, again this is a strong and mighty lyric. I had the same feeling about the third stanza even before I read your comment to Axe V: "The last one was a quick bolt-on 'how to finish it' verse for the blog. Needs refinement."

I want to stress it takes only one inspired poem in a lifetime, to define and edify a soul. You are very wise to have banished the "ego issues about stuff like this."

By nature I'm not a lyrically minded person, but I hope to work on that... Well, I think you can forget about that self eval.

If you take the third stanza and place it between the other two you might see it better fitted. It could be a truncated refrain, or bridge, sort of a selah between giant thoughts..

Days like this it burns in me
Our time won't last indefinitely
All things pass, all things end
A red light's always round the bend
And now I only see the harm
In no tomorrow


-- for instance -- lyrical:

In no tomorrow
harm awaits
all things pass
time indefinite
to end of the line
burns in me
should I believe
in no tomorrow

I hope this helps you get this one going, and in the hands of Axe Victim. PatDarnell