Merry Mutherfuckin' Christmas. Yo!

Don't ask. For some reason I've come over all Ghetto Xmas! I have no explanation other than it just felt right.

Normal services will resume shortly. DO NOT PANIC!

I had the weirdest frikkin' dream last night. I think it was triggered by us seeing "Sunset Boulevard" last night...

[Side note: no matter how queer I may become in my dotage, I will never be as gay as the fellow sat next to me in the theatre yesterday. Every time the Norma Desmond character came onstage to sang he wept uncontrollably then gave her an arms-fully-outstretched standing ovation, gasping "Bravo, Bravo" whilst choking back tears! Frankly, that's just 'feeling' too much!]

...so... Sunset Boulevard... strange dream!

In the dream I was on holiday and found myself downing a few pints in a remote country pub. It was packed with locals, all there to see a new 'band' play. The band was actually just a lone guitarist doing 'the Steve Vai thing', with a young blonde rock-chick type, dressed only in hot-pants and a fur coat. Think 'girl from Blind Faith album', minus the plane, plus a furry outdoor garment.

You got the picture? Nipples were involved. Did nothing for me!

So, the guitarist was running around the pub, shredding demonically, whilst the young lady ground (grinded?) herself against him as if he were a human pole. The guy was having real trouble keeping his axe in tune. Every bend went horribly wrong. Eventually he just sat down in the corner twiddling with the machine heads whilst the girl kept on keeping on.

The crowd didn't seem to mind. I don't think they were there for the music.

Anywho, being civic-minded I decided to try and help by loaning him Red. I pulled the guitar out of its case and got to tuning it up. The harder I tried, the more difficult it became and the weirder Red started to look. Eventually it became clear that not only did I not have enough strings, but that my beloved Les Paul was actually just a couple of 2x4's nailed to a badly painted plank!

Frustrated, I grabbed a minicab and headed back to my trailer, not really noticing the route we took.

At this point I really should have realised it was a dream and woken up. I mean... me... vacationing in a trailer? Not bloody likely!

So, I get dropped off at the trailer park (insert your own Britney Spears joke here) and, after avoiding a pill-popping drug dealer, I settle in for the night. The next morning comes around rather quickly and I awake in a panic, realising that I'd left Red in the bar and that I didn't know where the hell the joint was.

The dream ended with me running around trying to quiz locals as to where the last nights festivities had taken place! Kinda like that scene at the start of "An American Werewolf..."

Bzzzzzz... Bzzzzzz... Bzzzzz...

Alarm. Morning. It's CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!

So, the good news is that I spoke with my boss last night and there's no budget left this year for me to be in the office (!) so I get just over a week off. Tim'll be studying for his exams in the New Year, so it'll mostly just be me and Red, p***ing off the neighbours!

I'm really looking forward to the time off. I'd originally thought that I'd be working right through Xmas and New Year so yesterday's 11th hour stay of execution came as a more-than-pleasant surprise...

Okay, and just because I'm sure all of you have been nice, not naughty, here are the lyrics to my all time favourite Chrimbo song...

"Tonight's The Kind Of Night"
Written by Melanie Safka Schekeryk
Best ever performance by Kiki & Herb

Tonight's the kind of night
Where all things come together
Tonight's the kind of night
Where nothing need be said
Tonight's the kind of night
Where all the lamps are burning
And nobody wants to go to bed

Some will have crackers and
Some will have pudding
Soup and crispies and home made bread
And no one will go hungry
And lovers will be faithful
We'll sip a little cup and
Then we'll sip another and we'll sing

Come all ye faithful tonight, sing out
Merry Christmas, oh yeah!
Ave Maria we'll cry, one more time
Merry Christmas

Mommy's and Daddy's are loving all their children
And from a distant room
We can hear then giggling
One of them is dreaming
The world a little brighter
And everyone is listening
To the song in their head, and they sing

Come all ye faithful tonight, sing out
Merry Christmas, oh yeah!
Ave Maria we'll try, one more time
Merry Christmas

Tonight's the kind of night
The world won't hold us down here
From planet to planet
From star to star
We'll shine our little light
That everyone can follow

Tonight's the kind of night
Where all the lamps are burning
And no one will go hungry
And lovers will be faithful
Tonight's the kind of night
Where all things come together
Tonight I make a promise
That I will sing forever
Tonight the kisses fly from all our little fingers
And nobody wants to go to bed

Come all ye faithful tonight, sing out
Merry Christmas, oh yeah!
Ave Maria we'll try, one more time
Merry Christmas

Come all ye faithful tonight, sing out
Merry Christmas, oh yeah!
Ave Maria we'll try, one more time
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas

So! Merry Christmas one and all. Be beautiful, eh?